“You’ve got to be kidding me!”
I awake from my slumber and find myself in cuffs strapped down and staring into the face of my arch enemy, that dick head “Johns”. What kind of stupid name is “Johns ” any how? I guess I should introduce myself first though. My name is Riddick and I supposedly the baddest badass in the universe. Now you have to remember, this is before I became Vin Diesel, so I’m really not a pussy. Just because I starred in such flicks such as the Fast and the Furious, and XXX does not make me any less of a man. Really! Anyhow, somehow dickhead has managed to capture me and is taking me into the deadliest prison in the galaxy, also know as Butcher Bay. As I sit there strapped into my prisoners chair, I have a brief conversation with Johns whereby I ensure to him that “yes, I really do think he is a dick”. He re-iterates the feeling, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t like me either. The pilot comes on over the intercom and informs Johns we will be arriving at Butcher Bay within the hour.

As the ship docks, I really do think we are on the most desolate place on the planet. A sandstorm rages in the background as Johns unceremoniously prods me along out of the ship to meet the prison master. Johns is getting cocky and tells me I’m going to rot in here for eternity and that he is going to gladly collect on that healthy bounty that has been put on my head. I inform him that as soon as the chance arrives, I am going to kill him. And not just any kill, I’m going to stealth kill him and snap his neck. How bad ass is that. Anyhow, one of the other prisoners I got to know on the flight ( I decided to name him Dave) starts acting suspicious, as if he is looking for a way to escape before the guards come and take him away. Johns turns his back to me to tell Dave he better not act up or else its game over. Well Dickhead, I think, you have just turned your back to me. Since I am supposedly in a stealth/action adventure at the moment , and the only weapons I have to use are my little old hands, perhaps I should sneak up behind you and see what my options are….oooh..look at this, press X to snap Johns neck. I ponder this for a second. Will I get blood on me? Will it mess up my hair. What if Dave sees, do I have to snap his neck too? After a few seconds and the answers in hand (No, I don’t have any hair, yes), I sneak behind Johns and crack his neck. SNAP.

AWSOME, Johns has just dropped his gun!! I reach down to pick up the weapon and BBBBBBZBZBBZBZBZBZBZBBZ!!!! What the hell, it just gave me a shock. Now the game is telling me his weapon is DNA encoded? What in the freak is DNA? Great plan so far Riddick. You just killed your dick head arch enemy to get his gun and now you can’t even use it. To make matters worse, some hidden turrets I never saw before have started shooting at me from the prison walls! Thankfully in all of the Chaos Dave was smart enough to find an escape hatch down into the lower levels of the landing dock. Although hatches that I don’t know where they lead to generally aren’t used for escape, I disregard this fact and hop in. Unfortunately, it looks like while poor Dave was un battening the hatch a turret ended up shooting him and he fell to the bottom of the pit. After searching him for weapons and smokes (I am going into a prison after all) I carry on.

I come out of the hatch into what looks like some sort of boiler room. Well, there is steam. And there are some boiler like things. I guess this is where the Janitors hang out. SWEET. Janitors in games like this generally aren’t too tough, so the fact I have no weapons and have to rely only on Fisty McFisticuffs right now, means kicking Janitors asses should be a breeze. Low and behold, I look down into the room and see a guy fixing something. Fixing?!?! Oh great, a mechanic. I know all about greasy mechanics. They are as tough as two janitors put together. No matter, I see my only option right now is to climb down the ladder and challenge him to a fist fight. Sure enough, as soon as the guy sees me he starts swearing at me and tells me he is going to kick my ass. “ok, pal, lets get it on!”.

It takes about 4 punches to drop the guy. I guess mechanics aren’t so tough after all. Maybe he was just a Janitor who just got hired and was on a career path change or something like that. After a few seconds of remorse I look down to see what looks like some sort of Blue key. Hmmm, I wonder what this is for? Could it be that door across the room with the blue lock?? Nahh, wouldn’t that be too obvious? Well, I guess I am kind of still in a tutorial type situation. I also pick up something called a vent tool that Mike the mechanic dropped. I’m not sure what use it will be. Maybe I can bash people with it. Must be useful I think to my bald self.

A dark hall awaits me when I open up the blue keyed door. Now the damn game is telling me to click my left stick to go into “stealth mode”. Hey that sounds cool!! I click my left stick and I crouch down. The screen goes into a blue-ish hue. Apparently I am in stealth mode now. I sure don’t feel stealthier than before. I mean, I’m not invisible or anything. I am crouching so I guess maybe they could have called it “crouch mode”. Of course people may confuse that with “crotch mode” and then confuse it further with my movie “xxx” which licked crotch. “Stealth mode” is it then.

I walk…no wait..I slink down the dark hallway in “stealth mode”. I hear someone whistling a tune in the distance. Show tunes?? Another mechanic? Oh no! What if its a big scary guy with a machine gun or something?!?! I start to crap my pants but then remember two things. 1) I am Riddick, the baldest badass on the planet, and 2) I am in stealth mode so must be invisible. As the mystery figure rounds the corner into the light, sure enough it turns out it is indeed a mechanic. This mechanic has a gun however. I decide to name him Marty. Marty the mechanic. I wait for Marty to pass by the T junction of the hallway, and he walks by without seeing me. Time to die Marty!! I sneak up behind him, and decide to use a silent and slow stealth kill. After pressing the X button for about 15 times (how is that stealthy), Marty’s neck finally breaks. Oh great, what if they discover this body I could be caught. Thankfully , a hint comes up on the screen, telling me I can hide the body. I grab Marty’s limp corpse by the leg and drag back to the dark hallway. There, no one will find him here!! I mean, its not like they ever turn the lights on in the mechanics hallway is it? I feel a tinge of guilt for leaving poor Marty’s body laying here to rot, but decide it would be best to move on.

Moving on, I come upon what looks like a dead end. All that is in front of me are some crates that look blatantly climbable and a railing. Using my video game senses I come to the conclusion that the only way out of here is up the crates and then to shimmy along the railing. Man, it must have sucked for Marty and Mike to have had to do this to get to and from work each day. Maybe it is better that I killed them after all. I see what looks like a vent at the end of the railing. I slide on hand over hand. As I am about halfway to the vent, I see another mechanic come around below me…I guess he was napping or something. Since I am 30 feet above him he doesn’t see me, and decides to keep walking. He ends up (I guess his name must be Matt) directly below me. I think about jumping down on his head to take him out but then…no..actually, I jump on his head. With Matt Dead, I grab his body and go hide it with Marty. Well, at least he’ll have company right now. Maybe they can play dead guy cards, or take in some dead guy movies later (perhaps the fast and the furious…deadguys like that right?). Back up the crates, across the railing and then I am a this huge vent.

Crap. It won’t open. Suddenly, I remember that Wrench like tool I acquired from the first monkey I off’ed. Turns out in fact that my handy face basher is actually a “vent Tool”. Well, that explains why “LOOT TNEV” was written in big bold letters. Using the vent tool, I crack open the vent and decide the only logical thing to do is to climb in. Man this vent is roomy. They sure don’t make vents like this back home. As I reach the end I see a grate blocking my way. Boot, down goes the grate. Thankfully the mechanic below doesn’t see me. This guy looks a little tougher though…and he has a shotgun!!!! A shotgun?!?! How the hell and I supposed to beat up a guy with a shotgun? Perhaps I can convince him to be my friend BEFORE he shoots my face off but chances are since everyone here so far has been a dick, that this dude with the shotgun is most likely leader of the “dicks”. I mean, it makes sense. HE sends Matt, Mike, and Marty into the vent, across the rail, and down some crates to fix shit, while he just sits in his office drinking coffee and fondling a shotgun. I’d probably do the same thing. Well guess what Leader Dick, Matt, Marty, and Mike are dead.

Having no fear I walk right up to leader dick and ask him for his gun. Not complying the surprised leader Dick takes his gun and tries to melee attack. As he does this something in my head tells me “push the right trigger”….Doing that, I end up grabbing the gun, swinging the gun towards L.D. and shooting him in the face!!! AWSOME!!! I think back and wished that the other three guys had shotguns too because that was 1) too easy, and 2) a whole lot of fun. I go to pump an extra round into the guy just to make sure. click click. What the hell?? The gun is empty. Oh just great.

I get over the fact I now have a shotgun with no shells and move on towards an elevator. Hey, this must lead somewhere important I think. I press the button and the elevator whirs to life. Finally I am going home. Wait a minute. I am on a desolate isolated planet right now that is supposed to be the deadliest place on earth, and here I am thinking an elevator is going to be my key to freedom. Not only would that be too easy, it would also end up being the lamest game in history. As I reach the top I see conveniently enough some shadows to hide in. I notice what looks like a prison guard off in the distance. Finally some non pussy mechanics I think. Hiding in the shadows as Guard boy walks by proves to be an effective strategy. With his back to me, I walk behind him and bash him with my ammo-less shotgun. Not only does Guard boy drop to his knees, he also drops a crap load of shotty ammo.

I head across the room, climb down a ladder, and get to a locked door. Locked door…meet Mr. Shotgun. Blam. The lock opens. I am now inside a scary dark room. Something tells me to push the white button, and doing so turns on a flashlight!! kick ass. I walk around a corner and come upon yet another guard. He notices me right away. Hey wait I think, how did he notice me. Then I realize perhaps it was the giant beam of light from my flash light that gave me away. Not really pondering it much more, I blast the guy to hell and carry on. I walk around one more corner and see some guards mulling around what looks to be an explosive barrel. HMmmmmm, I think I’ve been in this situation before. hapless enemies, standing around the big red barrel with a picture of fire on it…..but where???!! Oh that’s right, every other action video game ever made. Now I remember. Following protocol, I blast the barrel and watch the guards fly through the air as it explodes. I turn right and come across a really really bright light. That must be the light at the end of the tunnel people are always talking about!!!! I’m going to be free soon..I just know it!! I walk into the light…this is it. The moment I’ve been waiting for. I can finally escape this place.

As the light surrounds me, I wake up. I am sitting in a prisoners chair strapped to it by three heavy bolts. I am on a ship heading to Butchers Bay. Johns is sitting there staring at me , and good old Dave is across the way mumbling and crying as usual. What in the F@CK!?!?! Was this a all a dream? Or was it just some sick tutorial mode the developers put in the game to make me think I escaped only to yank all hope away from me at the last minute. The pilot informs Johns we are arriving at Butchers Bay. Pissed off, I get ready to escape all over again.

Tutorial mode over. Next chapter, I actually get to begin to escape from this Hell hole.

Chronicles of Riddick : Jaken Bear’s Escape - Volume 2

“Pimp my ride, Dog”
So after getting over the fact that “it was all a dream”, I find myself being prodded out onto the landing dock with a gun at my back. Hey, I’ve been here, I think to my self. The only problem now is…no crying Dave to open the tunnel, and I have some sort of collar around my neck. Oh well, the “tutorial” level must have been trying to tell me something…but Johns won’t turn his back on me as we await the Warden. So I do what any good player would do…I punch Johns in the face.. Bad I idea..he opens fire on me sending blood everywhere…I go to leap off the platform to escape. Bad idea. My head explodes. I guess the collar was explosive.

Reload game. Ok, this time I’m going to play nice and see what happens. After all, I don’t want my head to explode again.

As we wait, I tell Johns that the Warden is not going to be too happy to see him. I finally take a moment to see where I am actually going. Man, this place looks like a craphole. I can see the main gate off in the distance…the walkway is surrounded by barbed wire and blood. Suddenly, three men come out from the main gate. The guy in the middle I assume is the warden….he looks like some Dolf Lungdren wanna be and is wearing some Green and gold robe thing. Very manly. Another of the men is wearing red and black amour and has cornrolls….Holy crap!! is that who I think it is??!?! No…it couldn’t be!! Yes! it is. Its the man himself…X-IBIT!!! Holy crap…please please please…I hope I get to be on Pimp my Ride. That would be awesome. I can’t believe this was all a ruse to get me to appear on “Pimp My Ride”..those jokers. Anyhow, X looks badass but I try not to look directly at him so he doesn’t know how exited I am to be meeting the greatest rapper ever in the history of rap.

Back to reality now, that Johns dick is trying to negotiate my bounty + 50%. Cinnamon roll head (aka, the Warden) just laughs at him. When Johns says he can take me to any other slam in the galaxy (no, please don’t. I want to pimp my ride), the warden tells him not to push his luck. Once a deal is worked out, I give Johns one final “I’ll be back”, and then the march to the prison begins.

Well this is weird…I can move my head around…but not my body. Its like I’m being herded into the prison but can only look around. Nice touch game!! Anyhow, Cinnamon roll head and the other guy left, and now its just X-hibit leading me into the prison. He is yelling at me, and telling me how things work around the prison. Apparently this guy thinks he is the king shit, and nothing happens on the block without him knowing about it. He does give me some handy tips on what “not to do”..like eat the brown pudding, or kill other inmates. I still am waiting for the punch line. C’mon X, where’s that fancy Blue minivan we are going to deck out with 4 PS2’s and a 53 Inch plasma?!?! What’s going on here anyhow? He is even calling himself Abbott…this is nuts..

I am led through a few more large steel doors, and then we finally arrive at the cells. I guess this will be home for the next little while. Of course, since I am on an escape mission, I figure not for too long. I am led into my cell, and then de-loused…ewww..what the hell was that stuff..and how could I have louses on me. Smells like baby powder to me. My cell is a pretty standard crap hole. Two beds and a toilet filled with vomit……nice touch guys. I guess its time to explore now since my cell door is wide open.

I head out into the hallways and talk to the first guy I see. He says his name is Barber. I decide to just call him Assface. Assface tells me some guy named Mattson has been talking about me and that he is in the courtyard right now. Well that’s weird, I think..I wonder if he saw The fast and the Furious and recognized me on the way in. Or could it be that I really am the baldest badass in the galaxy. Either way I think , I need to find this Mattson dick and find out why he’s talking about me. I reach the courtyard and look for Mattlock or whatever his name is. Finally, I see a guy over in the corner wave me over. Hmm, this must be Mattlock. When I talk to him, he tells me he has hidden a “shiv” for me in my cell, and that I should go get it. Oh really. Do you think I’m that stupid? Sounds kind of like a trap to me. Add to the fact I don’t really even know what a “shiv” is and my Action movie senses are tingling. Against my better judgment I head back to my cell to look for this mysterious Shiv object. I also tell Mattlock that if he is dicking me around, that I’ll be back.

As I approach my cell, all looks normal. Hmm, maybe old Mattlock is really trying to help me out. But as I enter the cell, I hear a slamming noise behind me. I turn around to see two of the inmates standing behind me. “we’re going to mess you up Riddick” I can hear them yelling as they charge at me. Before fighting these two dicks, I make a mental note to punch Mattlock in the stomach next time I see him. So now I’m in a two on one battle…odds stacked against me…could this be the end!??! Well no, because you see, its 1 Rid-Dick vs. 2 Pussies. That’s right. These two guys are lame and have vagina’s for arms…. And we all know what happens when you 2 P’s and 1 D get together…someone doesn’t get F@cked!.. and that someone will be me. I get into Fisty Fisticuff mode and go to town. These two A-holes go down faster than anything I’ve ever seen. Well, that was easy. I pick up the two bodies and sling them over the toilet….that’ll teach them!! My next goal is to go and find Mattlock, and give him 3 seconds to explain himself or die.

When I get to Mattlock, he clearly knows he is F@cked. He tries to tell me some guy named Rusty made him do it. Ok, now this is getting ridiculous. First I have to deal with Mattlock dicking me around, and now here we have the Bailiff Rusty from the People’s court trying to set me up and have me killed. What’s next in this game? Is judge Wapner going to try to make me his bitch? I shudder at the thought! Anyhow, Mattlock tells me to go back to my cell and that this time he really will bring me a Shiv. Hmm, I’ve heard this before. I tell Mattlock that this time if its a set up, I really will carve him up and wear him around the prison as a fiesta hat. This seems to do the trick.

So back in my cell now, and in comes Mattlock. He has a knife like object in hand. So I guess this is what a “shiv” is…badass….I should be able to do some damage with this thing!! Mattlock hands me the Shiv. I think long and hard about killing him for his backstabbing ways but before I can act on the though we are interrupted. In walks Rusty. Rusty is trying to act really bad ass. He sure doesn’t look like a bad ass though..looks more like a toque wearing freak to me… He informs me that this is his turf, and nothing goes on without him knowing about it. I kindly inform him that he is in my cell, and that he needs to get the hell out. This pisses bailiff rusty off and he charges at me. I reverse his attack and put him in a choke hold, then put the shiv to his neck. Riddick, 1. Rusty, 0. As I am reveling in my glory though,. god damn X-hibit walks in, He points his gun right at my face, and I have no choice to let Toque head go. X-hibit with the steal…and that’s the game folks. Then X goes on to tell me its not a good idea to mess with the natural order of things around Butchers bay. In other words, X-hibit is the head of the Bitches, Rusty is second bitch in command, and the rest of the inmates are sort of tertiary bitches…. On the way out, Rusty grabs Mattlock by the arm and breaks it…..X-hibit just smiles. So that’s how its going to be now huh? Rusty and X-hibit leave, and stupid Mattlock is still writhing in pain on the ground in front of me. I have a good mind to kick him when he’s down but there’s no kick button. That sucks. And X-hibit took my Shiv too!! Before I even got to jam it into Rusty’s brain. Booo to that.

I head back out of my cell, and good old Assface from earlier has even more information for me. He now informs me that rusty wants me dead, and his waiting for me over on his turf in the other cell block. Well, that’s a surprise. I though me and Rusty were going to be friends now. Assface tell me too that if I face rust I better find a weapon. Handily enough, he says I can talk to some dick name Waman. Hahaha…what an odd name…sounds like “woman”. I bet he was “most teased” back in grade school. Anyhow, I find Waman in his cell lounging on his luxury cott. There is also some guy in there working out for some reason. I punch that guy in the face hoping to get him to run away, but instead it just pisses him off. Roid rage I think…Anyhow, I dispatch with that guy, and proceed to talk to Wamamn. He didn’t even notice I just killed a dude right in front of him. I guess life really is hard here in Butcher bay. Waman goes on to tell me about some guy named Molina who has been dicking around a lot of the prisoners. Apparently if I can kill Molina , Waman can hook me up with a Shiv. Sounds easy enough. Not sure why I have all of the sudden become a contract killer in a supposed stealth action game, but I’ll do anything for a good shiv right now.

So I head over to Molina’s cell. At first I try to act all casual…no, nothing to see here…nothing at all. I almost feel kind of guilty and consider not offing Molina. But then he tells me to F- off. Oh, its on now punk. I drop him pretty fast and that’s that. No one tells me to F- off. Heading back to see waman, he informs me I did a good job taking out that dick Molina. What the hell, news sure travels fast here in Butcher Bay. I didn’t even have a chance to wipe the Molina juice from my palms, and here everyone in the cell block already knows. Very odd. Waman gives me the shiv he promised me, and I congratulate myself on a job well done. I feel kind of violent though. I mean I’ve been here all of 2 hours and I’ve already killed 4 people just by punching them to death. And the most punches it took was about 4. I really am a badass I guess. Now with a Shiv in hand, Butcher Bay better look the F@ck out.

Next up on the menu is a Rusty Hunt. So be sure to tune in next time to hear all about that.